The Bottom Line of Belonging

Why Inclusion Leads to Greater Resilience and Growth

Belonging. It’s a social urge. A facet of our neurobiology.. A key to our survival. 

We all long to belong: To feel seen. Heard. Valued for who we are. 

Whether we convert to Catholicism or join a cult, say “innit?” or “isn’t it?”, much of human behaviour stems from our desire to feel connected, to feel accepted. To belong.

If you were around in the 1980s, you may know the theme of the TV series Cheers off-by-heart: “You wanna go…Where everybody knows your name / And they’re always glad you came.” A bar in Boston’s neighbourhood of Beacon Hill, Cheers is the place “where troubles are all the same” and “where people are all the same”

It may be oversimplifying things to say that we’re all the same (and our troubles are too). However, humans share fundamentally similar brain networks. We all have the same neurobiological systems to keep us motivated, to solve problems creatively, and to protect ourselves from danger.

Humans share fundamentally similar brain networks.

And while our troubles are all not exactly the same, in Buddhism, the first “Noble Truth”  of being human is dukkha. To quote the pop band R.E.M.: “Everybody hurts.”

At anyone one workplace, one employee may fear that disclosing a disability will capsize her career. A colleague from Malaysia may be silently suffering from racialized microagressions. Another hides their gender identity. If you live in Canada and your name is Khouloud, everyone may “know your name,” but chances are few can pronounce it. 

When you’re “excluded or rejected,” writes the poet John O’Donahue, your life “tends to narrow.” You obsess over all the ways you don’t fit in. Sensing no one respects you, you might overcompensate and overwork. Believing your true self doesn’t fit in, you might disengage or withdraw to protect who you are.

When your way of belonging in the world is truthful to your nature and your dreams, your heart finds contentment and your soul finds stillness.

—John O’Donahue

On the other hand, if you feel included at work: “The shelter of belonging empowers you.” With belonging comes “a stillness and sureness of heart.” To belong is to be resilient. External pressures, conflicts, and doubts are easier to endure. “You are sure of the ground on which you stand.” No one is going to pull a rug out from under you.

Tats are typical on Madison Ave.

As empowering as it is to sit in the shelter of belonging, it’s far more common to sense something about us doesn’t belong. We’ may think that we’re not educated enough, funny enough, machismo enough, feminine enough, white enough, rich enough. Fifty years ago, few expected to bring their “whole selves” to work. Few disclosed their feelings, let alone their traumas. The term “post-traumatic stress disorder,” for example, didn’t appear in the DSM until the early 1980s. If you worked alongside a veteran who was “shell-shocked” from war, there were probably few accommodations to support him through recovery.

A lot has changed in the past fifty years. Hoodies and flip-flops have found their way into the boardroom. Tats are typical on Madison Ave. Diversity and inclusion initiatives are all the rage.

What do we need to do to collectively arrive at a deeper sense of belonging for everyone?

But even with advances in behavioural science that tell us our emotions inform all our habits and influences all our decisions, sharing feelings at work is still taboo.

What does it mean to truly belong? And what do we need to do to collectively arrive at a deeper sense of belonging for everyone? 

The Journey of Belonging

In her soulful memoir, Bones of Belonging: Finding Wholeness in a White World, Annahid Dashtgard writes about immigrating to Canada from Iran, “facing racism, and the lifelong journey to recover” herself. In accounts of her childhood, classmates ridicule her Persian curls. In adolescence, she turns her shame inward and struggles to feel at home in her own skin. In a hunger to fit in, she severs the last three letters of her name. Annahid becomes  “Anna.”

Recovering a sense of wholeness doesn’t come easily for Dashtard. “Belonging” isn’t a final destination at the end of a straight and narrow path. She “scream[s} belonging as our common birthright” and “feels haunted by all those who “survive a life in exile from their true selves.” She encourages us to give ourselves permission to “be real” rather than ceaselessly trying to be “the right fit.”

.She “scream(s) belonging as our common birthright” and “feels haunted by all those who “survive a life in exile from their true selves.”

But how do you give yourself permission to “be real” at work when you there’s an expectation to fit in?

Even those with the right social capital may exile their true selves to conform to a culture. Some executives, (like those involved in the Volkswagen emission scandal of 2015), admit enduring (or committing) moral injury on their way up the corporate ladder. It’s not unusual for people to sacrifice core aspects of their identity, not to mention their values, in an attempt to find their footing within a company culture.

The television series Succession, for instance, exposes all the tragedies that befall those who in their “vaulting ambition” make compromises to their values. The Roys have risen to the top of the social hierarchy, but in their fixation to remain there, most of them lead impoverished inner lives.

"...your longing (to truly belong) is often wiser than your conventional sense of appropriateness, safety, and truth. It is the best antidote to the fear of freedom, which is second nature to many people.”

— John O'Donohue

"...your longing (to truly belong) is often wiser than your conventional sense of appropriateness, safety, and truth. It is the best antidote to the fear of freedom, which is second nature to many people.” — John O'Donohue

"...your longing (to truly belong) is often wiser than your conventional sense of appropriateness, safety, and truth. It is the best antidote to the fear of freedom, which is second nature to many people.” (John O’Donohue)

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

— Mother Teresa

The Neuroscience of Belonging

To understand how important belonging is for survival, consider what happens to your brain when you feel you don’t fit in. If a social clique at work has denied you access to a private chat or senior leaders have discriminated against you for your gender or ethnicity, you’ll feel that rejection in your central nervous system. It activates the anterior cingulate cortex; blood flows to the region of the brain where you experience physical pain. 

If you’ve survived significant trauma —  let’s say you’ve fled from a war-torn region, overcome a life-threatening illness, or lost a significant other — you may feel the pain of social exclusion more acutely. Even in the best of circumstances, someone living with post-traumatic stress may find it challenging to feel she belongs.

The word “trauma” itself means severing or wounding; Trauma is a tear in our sense of belonging. The brain “dissociates” because the intense shock or pain is too much to handle. A survivor of trauma may then live in states of hypervigilance and hypersensitivity. Even in safe environments, the brain’s monitoring system remains on high alert to avoid a trauma from happening again.

Even in safe environments, the brain’s monitoring system remains on high alert.

From that place of severed belonging, recovering wholeness takes a feeling of being nurtured in a safe relationship or community. Maybe nurturing a true sense belonging at work starts with “being real” about who we are in all our complexity. Amidst all our differences and with all our troubles, we share not only a longing to belong, but a need to belong.

How can we help each other to arrive at a deeper sense of belonging? How can we fulfill that fundamental human need in the workplace?

Without dwelling on our differences, can we be grateful for them? Without indulging in emotions, can we include them?

The “B” in wellBEING

Insight Coaching’s framework for wellbeing at work begins with nurturing a sense of belonging. To create a firm foundation of personal well-being, first practice sensing that your whole “being” belongs. Not only your shiniest parts. Everything.

Imagine you’re an ocean. Oceans never push against or bury the waves. The tides arrive in accordance with weather, in response to the gravitational pull of astronomical bodies. Twice a month, for example, when the sun, earth and moon align, the combined gravitational pull causes exceptionally high tides, called “spring tides.”

If you’re in the middle of a “spring tide,” know the high waves are temporary; they’re just part of the experience of being alive.

If you’re experiencing waves of soreness, gladness, nervousness, happiness — let each rise and fall. If you’re in the middle of a “spring tide,” know that the high waves are temporary; they’re just part of the experience of being alive.

If you’re a leader, provide a strong sense of support beneath your employees’ feet. An enduring “fellow feeling,” or sense that “we’re all in this together,” nurtures collaboration and ignites innovation.

In upcoming editions of this blog, we’ll dig deeper into the Five Pillars of Wellbeing at Work. For now, wherever you are and whomever you’re leading, focus on the “B” of BEING well. Nurture a sense of belonging in your own being. From there, bring the practice into your wider community.

Practice

Three Ways to Nurture an Inner Belonging

1. Mindfulness Meditation: RAIN

   
   Feeling hurt, disconnected, and dissatisfied isn’t fun. Pushing feelings away, however, can be more dangerous in the long run. Mindfulness meditation helps you to make peace with any inner conflict or inner judgement you may be experiencing in response to feelings..

   Help your brain to integrate all parts of who you are. Feel compassion for yourself by activating the anterior cingulate cortex and insula of your “salient network.” Feeling self-compassion helps to you feel compassion for others.

   One way to do this is to remember the acronym RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture). 1) Recognize what you feel; 2) Allow the feelings to be there; 3) investigate what’s beneath them or what messages they bring ; and 4) nurture self-compassion.

   When you sense something about you doesn’t feel like it “belongs,” wash away the inner resistance with RAIN.
   
   To read more about this practice and to listen to a guided RAIN meditation, click here.

2. Hire a Coach

   
   If you struggle with belonging, feel unsure about how to practice mindful self-inquiry, or want to develop deeper self-trust to lead more authentically, book a free discovery call or hire me to coach you through it. Mindfulness-based coaching guides you gently and non-judgementally towards transformative states of being and states of mind that encourage those “aha” moments of insight. Nurturing belonging with another acts as a catalyst to growth.

3. Savour Memories and Seek Experiences of Belonging
   

Whether it’s walking in the woods, cuddling with your puppy, playing or listening to music, or sharing an intimate meal with loved ones, seek out experiences that nourish your sense of belonging. Bring those memories to mind anytime you feel that something in you doesn’t belong. Savour the feeling of belonging regularly, as often as once an hour, to train your brain to remember your wholeness.

Whether it’s walking in the woods, cuddling with your puppy, playing or listening to music, or sharing an intimate meal with loved ones, seek out experiences that nourish your sense of belonging

Three Ways to Nurture a Culture of Belonging at Work

1. Ask Beautiful Questions

   For people to feel they truly belong, they need to feel they’re understood, valued, and respected. But how can you understand, value, and respect people if you don’t get to know them?

   What brings your colleagues to work? What gets them out of bed? What puts a skip in their step on their way home?

   Without violating personal boundaries, be curious about your co-workers. Pose open questions and create the space for members of your team to share something novel about themselves.
   
   To go deeper, read the chapter of Curiouser on mindful inquiry at work, the blog post “Unite Your Team with Beautiful Questions”, and listen to “Live the Questions” on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
   

2. Provide Opportunities for Meaningful Human Connection

   If you’re a leader, take a an audit of what you’re doing now to nurture meaningful relationships. In what ways are the structures within your organization conducive to people connecting at a human level? How are you providing space for relationships that support a sense of belonging for everyone?
   
   Talk to everyone, not just yours on your team or rung on the ladder. What will help to build deeper human connection in your workplace? You may think that it’s an afternoon of paintball, pizza Fridays, and drinks after work, but does everyone feel they belong shooting paint guns, eating pizza, and sitting around pints of lager? Watch this space and join my newsletter to get new ideas on how to build more meaningful connections at work.

3. Practice and Encourage Empathetic Listening

   In his bestselling book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey describes five levels of listening: Ignoring, Pretending, Selective Listening, Attentive Listening, and Empathetic Listening.
   
   To get to level five, be genuinely open and curious. Put aside any biases and preconceptions. Before talking to colleagues, take a moment to practice being present with a beginner’s mind.
   
   To learn more about cultivating a deep practice of listening, book me in for my one-hour workshop on “Radical Listening.” Provide the support your team needs get beneath the surface and to listen like they mean it.